Ah, Matthew Lesko—the man, the myth, the legend of late-night TV promising everyone access to the government’s secret stash of free money. Many thought he was just another quirky character on their flickering screens, screaming about grants and giveaways while sporting a suit that made leprechauns look tame. But, lo and behold, it seems Lesko might have been onto something after all. In the grand comedy that is politics, it turns out that the bureaucratic money faucet has been going full Niagara for decades, spilling taxpayer dollars far and wide, much to the delight of those who know which way to twist the knob.
Fast forward to the whimsical debate on government spending—yes, folks, it’s the government’s annual edition of “Where Did All That Money Go?” With billions splattered across projects that make you scratch your head (or slap your forehead in disbelief), it’s clear the byzantine world of grants and aid could use some tidying up. Unfortuantely, this grand adventure doesn’t sit right with the Socialists and Marxists in the Democratic Party. With loud whispers of a coup creeping through the hallways of the Capitol, you’d think someone was staging a sequel to Ocean’s Eleven.
Meanwhile, on the communist and Marxist corner, they’re clutching their pearls, horrified that someone might actually, you know, take a peek under the hood of our beloved federal engine to find out just how many dollars are rattling around in there, unloved and unappreciated. “Who needs to audit government spending?” they shout, clinging to their latest outrage, as though cutting frivolous spending might emit a high-frequency sound only they can hear. This is politics, people! We can’t have transparency leading to efficiency—it ruins the chaos we’ve all grown so fond of.
In classic left-wing fashion, they’ve resorted to doxxing—because nothing spells success like invading privacy when you’re trying to protect it. With a new fiscal detective now on their radar, you’d think he was the protagonist of an elaborate espionage novel. Except he’s a real person. And apparently rather good at finding and running government payment pathways. Our Democratic friends are aghast, worried these fiscal adventurers might uncover everything from Medicare foibles to ominous payments to the Cookie Monster in a far-off land.
Of course, anything newsworthy in terms of government spending as seen through a different lens is now the headline-grabbing, pearl-clutching news of the day. It could be as benign as planting trees, and the media would sniff out a plot to create the world’s most sinister oxygen. If Democrats spent half as much time addressing wasteful spending as they do for theatrical outrage, perhaps we’d have fewer stories about ridiculous overseas expenditures, like those deeply rooted in fiction or hearsay. But alas, reality bites, and they don’t seem to notice the irony of ignoring people in need at home while planning their next “travel and tourism for extraterrestrials” initiative abroad. Maybe it’s time we sent them a copy of Lesko’s book—or better yet, a one-way ticket to Mars. Let’s hope Musk ships express.
