In the latest twist of the ideological tug-of-war, federal employees find themselves in angst over a phenomenon that sounds like it belongs more in a sci-fi thriller than in Uncle Sam’s bureaucratic playbook. It appears that someone out there in the digital universe thought it would be a grand idea to ask federal workers to enumerate their achievements from the previous week—five, to be precise. Cue the existential crisis. Apparently, charting weekly accomplishments has sent some employees into a tizzy reminiscent of being asked to clean their rooms by a stern parent.
Imagine the horror, the raw terror, of having to type out a list of five things you did at work last week. Suddenly, the seemingly innocuous email feels less like a simple inquiry and more like an ominous decree from on high. For these distressed government workers, there’s apparently no greater nightmare than reporting productivity to a tech mogul with aspirations of being the overlord of both Mars and the federal workforce. The digital grapevine suggests that failure to respond might be considered a resignation—though nobody seems quite certain, as governmental leadership appears to be playing its cards close to the vest.
It seems our federal friends are spending an inordinate amount of time attending town hall meetings and deciphering cryptic memos about the drama swirling around the world of memes and dog-themed cryptocurrencies, leaving one to wonder whether these hyper-intellectual pursuits actually contribute to the overarching goal of, well, governing. The burning question is whether, amidst all the chaos, any actual governmental work is getting done. With so much time lost to meetings and hand-wringing, it’s no wonder they feel like they’re stuck in bureaucracy purgatory.
The real kicker is the perception that this is all an elaborate display of power. There’s a belief that the high, mighty, and bluebird-branded are flexing their digital muscles just to remind everyone who’s boss. This spectacle, full of dread and disillusionment, resembles the dystopian future one might expect to find under the heavy hand of a regime that takes its cues from a certain hermit kingdom. Liberals will call it an exercise in accountability, but the beleaguered employees might liken it to the first stage of a PR disaster crafted to inspire anxiety, if not outright panic.
For one perplexed federal employee recounting their ordeal over social media, it’s all just a surreal exercise in obedience. The bureaucratic overlord demands documentation, and thus, documentation is obliged. The whirlwind of email checking and policy interpretation must, they begrudgingly conclude, be meant to keep everyone on their toes. Whether this will translate to an improvement in governance or simply more paperwork remains to be seen. In the meantime, folks might just consider checking their inboxes—and adding “made it through the week without losing my marbles” as accomplishment number one.
