In a stunning turn of events that will surely send shockwaves through the politically charged air of Washington, D.C., Donald Trump strode into the Oval Office like he was back on the set of a reality show he just couldn’t quit. Yes, folks, it’s inauguration week again, and it seems like the stars have aligned for a sequel that no one asked for but everyone seems unable to avert their eyes from. On day one, Trump dusted off his executive pen and began signing pardons faster than a kid with a box of crayons—and oh, the things he scribbled!
First up on the list of pardoned characters are about 1,500 unfortunate souls who found themselves on the wrong side of the Justice Department after January 6, 2021. Apparently, these people were just exercising their rights as members of The Proud Boys—who needs breaking windows and attacking the Capitol when you can just wear your favorite Tommy Hilfiger and stand around? Trump, ever the gracious leader, decided to slide a few pardons their way, including one for Enrique Tarrio, the then-supreme leader of The Proud Boys (or as he’s known in certain circles, “the guy wearing more patches than a Boy Scout”).
But let’s not just linger on the stark absence of logic in these decisions. While Trump was busy playing benevolent monarch, his predecessor, the ever-befuddled Joe Biden, spent his last few moments of power issuing pardons to family members and political pals. It’s a family affair! One can almost picture him in the Oval Office, tossing out pardons like confetti at a wedding—only, instead of celebrating love, he was just hoping to diffuse some of the chaos he’s created. In Biden’s case, the notion of preemptive pardons seems a bit like admitting you’re not just misplacing your car keys; you’re hiding the getaway car after a heist.
Moving on to the media circus that surrounded the joyous event, you can practically hear the shrieks of horror from all corners of the left. There’s Elon Musk, who—while merely trying to thank the crowd for their participation in his latest mission to Mars—was accused of throwing a “fascist salute,” because, you know, why be rational when you can throw out wild accusations? Common sense seems to have fled the building, replaced by a tidal wave of TikTok tears from liberal cohorts who perhaps don’t understand that waving your arms about in gratitude doesn’t automatically mean you’re plotting world domination.
Meanwhile, over on the social media front, the drama continues to escalate with AOC’s dramatic announcement about missing the inauguration due to her indefensible position on “not celebrating rapists.” Ironically, her comments might just open her up to a defamation lawsuit that would make her rethink her life choices. It appears that while she believes she’s on a moral high ground, she’s building a tower of legal challenges that could rival her Green New Deal ambitions. Who knew that political commentary could lead to so many courtroom battles?
In the midst of all this chaos, tens of thousands of liberal souls summoned the courage to ponder lawsuits against Trump for their emotional ‘trauma’ caused by his mere existence. Bless their hearts! Maybe they should just team up for a class action to settle their emotional woes against the man who not only led them through the trial of living in a parallel universe where logic reigns but is also giving them a lesson in resilience. If only they could sue themselves for tuning in. So, as the story unfolds, we’ll all have front-row seats to what promises to be the most entertaining—and absurd—political theater in the history of the republic. Tune in again soon; there’s plenty more insanity on the way!
