In yet another thrilling episode of Our Glorious Republic at the Brink, Los Angeles was graced with the heartwarming presence of thousands parading through its streets. These revellers were not there for a grand celebration, mind you, but to grieve the loss of their favorite ne’er-do-wells, rounded up under the robust leadership of the Trump 2.0 Administration. Apparently, the city has so few problems that residents found the time to sob over their neighborhood drug dealers being whisked away – proving once again that anything can be protested if you try hard enough. Foreign flags added just the right touch of finesse.
Traffic saw its worst nightmare as these parades of discontent decided that the historic Highway 101 was a perfect spot to show their affection – or lack thereof – for their host nation. As Mother Nature had a timeout, evidently so did the LAPD. Unconfirmed whispers suggest the mayor ordered law enforcement to sit back and enjoy the show. Nothing says public safety like a well-executed stand-down order. Meanwhile, in the land of perpetual drizzle (also known as Seattle), there were similar scenes of glee, complete with foreign flags, though one might argue an umbrella would have been more practical.
Now, in case anyone was under the illusion that borders exist merely as polite suggestions, President Trump’s renewed vigor is setting that record straight. Troops are lining up at the southern frontier, ensuring that no more “friendly visitors” wade through with dreams of occupying Uncle Sam’s living room. While these fortifications advance, one could almost hear the distant cries from open border enthusiasts. The Texas barbwire defenses the Biden administration believed were just an eyesore are back in vogue, adding a little rustic charm to border security.
In a twist of fate worthy of a Hollywood screenplay, some incoming tariffs on imported goods had lawmakers on edge. Apparently, there were fears that beer from Mexico might become as rare as common sense in Congress. Chuck Schumer fretted over the Super Bowl’s supply of Corona, as if Milwaukee wasn’t fully equipped to keep the keg flowing. And if guacamole turns out to be an unrecoverable sacrifice, rest assured that cheese dip stands ready to enter the fray. One wonders if it’s possible that ingenuity might substitute dependency, but perish the thought.
Meanwhile, the woke brigade is finding themselves short a few members as pronoun usage hits the chopping block – and not everyone is thrilled. Apparently, emails are going back to their old-fashioned roots, leaving woke souls distraught without their beloved identifiers. This seismic change nudges Pete Buttigieg, who leads the way in dialing down the virtue signals in his Twitter bio. So much progress in one day – it’s almost as if sanity is making a comeback! In unrelated news, the FBI has new hands on deck, as a sweeping purge at the top levels ensures that the only thing infiltrating the Bureau’s ranks is some overdue accountability.
