In a delightful twist of humorous pontification, a conservative columnist provides a tongue-in-cheek take on the hopeless pursuit of political prognostication for the upcoming year. With a flair for the absurd and a knack for pointing out the ridiculous, the writer sharpens his pen to poke at the insatiable appetite for future predictions exhibited by journalists and media outlets. After all, he muses, their failure to accurately forecast anything could only be rivaled by their steadfast commitment to perpetuating the very biases that make their work a perennial headache to rational thought.
The columnist’s playful barb starts with a fantastical prediction: in March, New York City will see chaos wrought by a monstrous tarantula the size of the Chrysler Building. With an almost cinematic flair, President Trump makes an appearance, not wielding the power of the presidency, but rather an improbable emerald-encrusted titanium sword from Glenn Beck’s collection. It’s pure spectacle, the kind that instantly transforms a scene from reality into the satirical whims of a cartoon.
Amidst this outrageous fiction, the columnist takes aim at the left’s tendency to romanticize all creatures great and small, suggesting that Democrats will rush to defend the rights of the hapless tarantula against “unlawful” harm. In a scene that belongs more in Gonzo journalism than reality, The View dedicates an episode to examining arachnid bias until one fortuitous spider scampers into the scene and Sunny Holston realizes with a shriek that reality bites back.
On the cultural front, the humor continues as Netflix’s improbable guidelines for casting and character representation spark even more eyebrow-raising scenarios. Here, diversity is driven to parody levels, leading Netflix down the unfortunate path to unpopularity, which their chief of content blames on an audience that has inexplicably dwindled. The columnist juxtaposes this oddity with a knowing wink, suggesting Hollywood’s next act might involve a conveyor belt to the nearest mental institution.
In a flourish of satirical bravado, the columnist wraps up with a scene where Democrats, having regained the House, prepare to impeach Trump for the scandalous achievements of world peace and national prosperity. It’s all part of the act, where a shadow government claims bigness as the people seem to shrink, until finally even Chuck Schumer faces a close encounter with the colossal tarantula. With each prediction more outlandish than the last, the columnist has one clear message: while nobody can map the political future, one can certainly revel in the hyperbolic theatre of it all.
