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In today’s trendy episode of “Only in America,” we’re tuning in to the latest in woke fashion tips. It seems Big Mike has emerged from the shadows with wisdom on how buying fewer clothes from those dastardly white designers will somehow restore balance in our closets and maybe even in the universe. Yes, never mind the actual design or quality of your attire. The true mark of a valiant wardrobe is ensuring the label doesn’t belong to a designer of a certain complexion. Move over, Coco Chanel! It’s a brave new world of race-checked retailing!
Meanwhile, somewhere in the labyrinth of laws, certain business decisions have come under scrutiny. Apparently, one can’t simply decide to stop buying from certain countries—except if it’s the whole world, minus a chosen few, of course. Are you lost yet? Fear not, for the labels on your clothes—or was it groceries?—will surely clear this up. Hopefully, they won’t confuse moral superiority with geographic literacy.
Speaking of labels, it turns out there was a major revelation in the beauty aisle. Retail chains like Walmart once found the necessity to place certain hair products under lock and key because, quite shockingly, they were prone to become elusive. In the great 2020 reset that labeled everything in shades of race, those locks became, well, debatably racist. Who knew securing goods to prevent theft could have political implications? But fear not, those locks are gone, and the products, probably along with them.
Now, if you thought housing preferences came with baggage, let’s delve into the world of romance through apps where the quest for love is totally not about shared interests or personal chemistry but, of course, about racial alignment. For some, choosing to date within one’s race is an undeniable badge of racism unless the filter is for empowerment. As it turns out, in these woke times, the definition of love is amorphously dependent on which race swipes which way.
And let’s not forget our friends at CNN and their gallant clerk, delivering much-needed coffee during protests where churches are… inconvenienced. These unsung heroes, apparently just reporting, find themselves navigators of legality, caught between being journalists and accidental trespassers. Alas, in the cosmic café of woke journalism, they live in a paradox—reporting news while apparently contributing to it.
In this whimsical landscape of black and white thinking, intelligent discourse has taken a backseat. Perhaps it’s time to return to simpler narratives or, at the very least, update societal software to Version 2023. As some voices from the past would say, it’s about time. Meanwhile, if you’d like to support any further commentary on our national play, there’s a helpful link floating somewhere in the Internet ether to quench the irony thirst with a digital cup of coffee. Cheers to common sense!
