In the current political landscape, the Chickasaw Commi and her fellow self-proclaimed Democratic socialists seem to be shaking things up with ideas that, quite frankly, make Monopoly money look like a safer investment. Jasmine, for instance, advocates for debt relief—you read that right, all debt—and imagines a world where capitalism is the villain. Just thinking about all the economic devastation they could unleash might make one wonder if their playbook is less about governance and more about ensuring we all get to enjoy government-issued cereal for breakfast.
Amazingly, Jasmine managed to win with a campaign budget that wouldn’t buy you a halfway decent used car. She did it without the establishment’s support, unlike her opponent who, despite outspending her six-to-one, saw all that cash evaporate faster than the latest NFT trend. One can imagine the dramatic scene: them charging forward against the “establishment,” hair blowing in the wind like an old movie hero. In reality, though, when someone is more concerned with dismantling capitalism than understanding basic math, one has to question the direction they’re marching.
Meanwhile, Bernie is still hanging on, the unyielding bastion of “almost” victories, as if he were the Rocky Balboa of politics, never quite landing the knockout punch. And Angie, another prominent figure, seems intent on handling public transport in a metaphorical clown car—likely to end up in a collision of epic proportions if recent personal history is any indication. Even she couldn’t drive her way out of four accidents in five years, but no biggie. Nobody’s counting when the potential damages are thousands of dollars each go-around.
Further from the spotlight, Abdul takes a slightly different tack. If he were a car salesman, he’d be the one focusing on all the perks of buying on credit, with a not-so-subtle nod to Medicare for All. But don’t bother asking him about the federal budget costs. It’s the kind of economic forecasting that makes an infomercial payment plan look fiscally responsible. He’s gathered support from all the right fossils—oops, that’s “astute leaders”—whose endorsements make one wonder if there was a buy-one-get-one-free coupon in play.
Finally, the Democrats seem best characterized by their internecine tug-of-war. It’s the commies vs. the anachronism gang, while the party leadership is running from scandal to scandal like they’re training for a triathlon. They decry everything in sight—TDS, race, trance—without any awareness that their policies are less popular than unscented deodorant. Heaven help us if they get the chance to implement their vision thoroughly. Open borders and perpetual upheaval sound thrilling until you realize that the invite list might be missing the word “sensible.” In the end, these Democratic socialists might not need to worry about capitalist greed; they should be more concerned about their own equally unchecked ambition spiraling out of control.
