In the Windy City, where the skyline glimmers and the pizza is deep-dish, a disturbing tale unfolds that raises more eyebrows than a particularly cheesy sitcom. It all revolves around a 42-year-old gentleman named Cornelius Bates—who, by the looks of it, is taking his career as a repeat offender quite seriously. Who knew that Chicago would become such a popular backdrop for his growing mugshot collection?

The latest chapter in Bates’s saga kicked off on January 10th, when police found him getting cozy with a half-empty liquor bottle inside a downtown building. Security guards tried to show him the exit (you know, those pesky folks who dare to ask you to leave when you’re not supposed to be there). But rather than politely decline their invitation to leave, Bates decided it was the perfect time to showcase his boxing skills. He allegedly delivered three punches straight to one unlucky guard’s face, all while refusing to budge. His idea of a fun evening? Not the same as most of us would consider it.

Here’s where the plot thickens—thanks to Illinois’s brand-new cashless bail system, Bates was released quicker than you can say “justice.” That’s right, a Cook County judge let him go faster than a hot plate of deep-dish pizza at a Chicago baseball game. Instead of pondering whether he should perhaps start a new hobby (like knitting or gardening), Bates apparently opted to escalate his criminal career. On January 15th, just days after his release, he, along with a couple of cohorts, attacked another man in downtown Chicago. With fists flying and kicks landing, they robbed the unfortunate victim of his gym bag while he was helplessly sprawled on the ground.

This new performance art, let’s call it “Meet Cornelius: The Series,” didn’t start recently. Bates’s criminal record stretches back to 2019 when he made his artistic debut with a charge of criminal damage to property. After a brief hiatus, he returned to the scene, racking up a series of more serious felony charges all within a five-day span—making his presence known once again but not in a good way. It seems the revamped judicial system in Illinois is doing wonders for repeat offenders, just not so much for the average citizen trying to go about their day without worrying about getting punched in the face.

Eventually, after a few too many chances for this would-be artist, a judge finally decided to deny Bates pre-trial release this time around. This decision got a cheer from local law enforcement, who see it as a critical reminder that cashless bail might not be the shining beacon of equity its supporters claim it to be. Instead of protecting the community, it gives repeat offenders like Bates multiple opportunities to raise chaos and mayhem at the expense of the ordinary folks just trying to enjoy their pizza in peace.

As this saga continues to unfold, one can’t help but wonder—how many more chances will the judicial system afford individuals like Cornelius Bates before the community decides enough is enough? It’s a question that remains hanging in the air, almost as heavy as those deep-dish pizza slices.