In the latest episode of “As the News Cycle Turns,” we find ourselves in the wild and wacky world of Donald Trump’s legal escapades. Fresh off a disastrous poll prediction from the Des Moines Register—which, shockingly, suggested that Kamala Harris would obliterate him in Iowa (a state he subsequently and dramatically won by over 133%)—Trump is now flexing his litigious muscles. He’s threatening to sue not just the pollster but also the esteemed (and by esteemed, we mean absurd) CBS’s 60 Minutes for allegedly deceptive editing in an interview with the Vice President that was designed to paint her in a less embarrassing light. Cue the collective eye rolls from every rational human being.
Let’s get real here; there’s nothing like a good ol’ Trump lawsuit to keep journalists up at night. Apparently, a defamation payment of $15 million from ABC News just wasn’t enough to satiate the appetite of the former president. Nope, he’s decided to send a memo to the media saying, “Watch out! I’m coming for you!” What better way to combat ‘fake news’ than by wading into the murky waters of courtroom drama? It’s almost like naming your restaurant “Best Burgers in Town” but serving nothing but edible cardboard. Sure, it’s a bold claim, but is there any substance in it? Not really.
The Iowa poll fiasco is just the tip of the iceberg. Trump’s lawsuit serves multiple purposes: it’s like performance art, but for the courtroom. He’s playing the media like a fiddle, signalling that he could very well have any news outlet shivering in their boots. It’s not about winning the lawsuits; it’s about keeping them tied up in legal nonsense long enough to make them reconsider their journalistic choices. Maybe if they print enough trumped-up numbers, they might just end up in a lawsuit inspired by a middle-school drama club play. So, sure, let’s see how many lawyers can dine out on this for the next few years while the media is left to clean up its own act.
Meanwhile, let’s not forget Kamala Harris—bless her heart—as she gets dragged into this mess. She’s the single most electrifying life force who could barely light a match, and yet the Democrats are still tossing her name into the political ring like confetti at a parade. Rumor has it that the party is contemplating her return to power, either to govern California or challenge for the presidency in 2028. What a treat that would be! After all, we all firmly believe that a losing record qualifies you for a promotion (right?).
In Harris’s world, there’s little concern over her track record of dismal performance—to be fair, it’s almost as if she was trying to set a new standard for mediocrity. With some advisers urging her to take a stab at the Governorship, others are whispering sweet encouragements of a future presidential run. Sure, let’s roll the dice! The nation thoroughly enjoyed watching her blink and mumble through the election debate scene; why not give America another taste of that exhilarating experience four years down the line?
But why stop at a single chaotic cycle when both Hillary and Kamala could graciously take us through the most gut-wrenching election period of our lives? Perhaps it would be delightfully entertaining to watch a trio of females—each with a trophy case full of losses—battle it out for the sole title of “America’s Next Failed Candidate.” As the media spins this unhealthy political merry-go-round, one can’t help but laugh. So here’s to Trump, Harris, and whatever caricature of a narrative the news will spin next. After all, at least we’ll have the farce of politics to keep us company while the rest of the world moves on in confusion.
