In a dazzling display of bureaucratic hilarity, the European Broadcasting Union (EBU) has decided their next urgent mission is to demagicalize the cameras at women’s sporting events. And why, you might ask, did this become a pressing issue? Well, evidently, the EBU concluded that the fleeting pleasures of watching sports could accidentally transform into something a bit more scintillating if camera angles aren’t prudently corrected. Yes, dear reader, the world may have a multitude of problems, but heavens help us if there’s an accidental upshot of an inspiring pole vault.
These guidelines, apparently drafted with the solemn seriousness usually reserved for peace treaties, instruct camera operators to avoid any angle that might cause the heart to skip a beat. A low view during a pole vault or a close-up of a runner’s valiant efforts might be too reminiscent of the athlete’s resemblance to mythological sirens, drawing unsuspecting male viewers into a vortex of inappropriate admiration. One would think the mere act of athletic competition would capture the audience’s attention, but apparently, the risk of ogling outweighs the sporting value.
It’s an admirable act of heroic pedantry, ensuring that athletic prowess is not overshadowed by involuntary appreciation of the human form. The idea that a viewer might recall his teenage gaming days instead of appreciating the rigorous training a runner endures is, evidently, a risk the EBU is unwilling to take. They suggest steering clear of any angles that might remind fans of the lazier days spent performing thumb exercises courtesy of Lara Croft.
Now, the humor here isn’t in the attempt to dial down the visual splendor of these sports but in the whimsical notion that viewers will remain glued to their screens purely for the subtleties of athletic movement once the captivating glimpses are cloaked. The assumption couldn’t be farther from reality. The audience for women’s sports may dwindle from the few who casually consume these events to an even scarcer number of dedicated virtue signalers. They can easily be outnumbered by the athletes themselves if this revival of puritan decorum in sports broadcasts takes a firm hold.
Finally, the EBU’s solution to monetizing women’s sports without leveraging physical appeal is hilariously inventive. Instead of strategically cropping camera shots, they propose athletes might supplement their income with ventures like OnlyFans. It seems the EBU’s tangled web of moral musings has ironically stitched a route entirely dependent on precisely what they sought to avoid—proving, once again, reality often has a sense of humor sharper than any satire.
