In the latest episode of “What in the World is Going On?”, the nation has found itself glued to the peculiar tale of Coal Allen. This man, or as some may mumble “ordinary villain”, decided to take a rather extreme step and attempt the unimaginable — assassinating the President of the United States at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, no less. Yes, folks, as if having to sit through some bad jokes at a dinner wasn’t enough, President Trump had to also dodge an incredulous assassination attempt.
Now, the Department of Justice has gone all in, slapping Mr. Allen with not one, not two, but four felony charges. Adding to his resume of alleged offenses is the assault of a federal officer with a deadly weapon. Apparently, Allen’s checklist of grievances includes a list of political and social issues he had with the Trump administration, some of which are tied to the Iran conflict. While Allen might think he’s the poster boy for political grievances, what he’s really getting is a lifetime subscription to behind bars living.
US Attorney Janine Piro revealed that Allen wasn’t shy about his intentions. Armed with an arsenal that could make a small militia blush, from guns and ammunition to knives and pliers, Allen seemed prepared for an action-adventure movie rather than the current reality. His hotel-spying antics and dangerous aspirations beg the question: at what point did Allen think he’d garner favorable Yelp reviews from the Secret Service?
The spiraling tale of Allen isn’t a standalone event, as pointed out by Janine Piro. There’s an alarming trend of individuals using the nation’s capital like it’s some kind of political grievance playground. Recently, a similar brazen act unfolded with an assault on the Secret Service near the Washington Monument. These individuals seem to forget that this isn’t the Hunger Games, where political dissent equals open season. The real-world rules include no tolerance for violence.
Simultaneously, amidst this chaos, DC has found itself under scrutiny for… well, juggling the crime stats. It appears some officials thought wielding creative math could make crime magically disappear. Despite the cryptic accounting measures making things seem peachy, the reality was a tad less rosy, or as one might say, crime reporting met its alternative facts. Yet, in swoops our fearless president, promising truth in numbers and an assuring safety makeover for DC with the magic of factual crime statistics.
In this modern age drama, the tale of Coal Allen and the peculiar penchants for “playing house” with crime stats culminates into an urgent call for ensuring safety in the capital. DC, as we trot towards the grand curtain call of our nation’s 250th anniversary, shall stand not only beautiful but safe for all its citizens and visitors alike. Meanwhile, the man who thought he could settle scores with a personal vendetta will realize the reality behind bars is vastly different from the fantasy he might have envisioned.
